Top 10 Online Dating Mistakes Made by Men

3 Ways to Get a Man Out of Your Box

Yes, I’m aware that the title is a bit suggestive. Let me remind you that it got your attention. So what does that say about you? Hmmm? Actually, that’s sort of what this blog is about. It’s about taking a look at how we categorize ourselves and the men in our lives.

Back in the early years of humanity, we women learned quickly to multitask and categorize. It came in handy when we needed to sort seeds, keep one eye on the baby, one eye on the meat roast over the fire and our other senses open to attack from predators. Women needed to very quickly put things into categories in order to create priorities and sort for dangers.

This talent can be both a good thing and problem when getting to know men. It’s a good thing when your alarm bells are screaming that a guy is seriously bad news. Listen to that inner voice. It is probably right.

However, it can be bad when it comes to the larger pool of guys who are basically good, but maybe don’t attract our initial interest. Think about it. How many times have you walked into a party and quickly had nearly every guy sorted out into various boxes of possibility. Usually, the boxes go something like this: friend, possible date, possible sex, not in a million years, only if I’m drunk and stupid, and YOWZA! let’s planning the wedding.

I confess, I’ve done it. Standing at the threshold, looking over the crowd, and I’ve got 80% of the guys put into one of those boxes before I’ve put a foot into the room. I’ve jumped to conclusions on small cues and missed out on just getting to know the guy in front of me.

Men are often accused of seeing women as sex objects. They put us into boxes. We are either a sainted mother, a damsel in distress or the woman they want to see naked. We hate that. We hate being put into those categories. Yet, I think women do a different type of objectification. We see men as relationship objects. He’s not a man — he’s marriage material. He’s not a person — he’s a friend with benefits. I have to believe that this drives men just as crazy.

So here are some ways to get men out of these boxes and back into the category of human being:

1. Get out of your own box.

Single? Divorced? The categories we put men in often reflect the category we have put ourselves. When you are ready for marriage then every man gets categorized by his readiness or ability to get married. Just broken up and every guy gets put into some kind of problem box – insecure, mamma’s boy, player etc. Where are you right now? Are you wearing a specific kind of man goggle? Or can you get out of your own drama long enough to see the man in front of you as a person. Go ahead, try it for just a few minutes. I dare you.

2. Play with the boxes.

If putting guys into a category is automatic for you, then take them out of the box and experiment. Could this “friend” actually be a “player”? If he was, would I think differently about him? What if he wasn’t a friend or a player? Maybe there’s a new box to put him in that you’ve never considered. If so, what would it be? Does re-categorizing someone bring up fear or anger for you? If it does, then your heading in the right direction – you are challenging your own mind to see and experience things differently. Think of the possibilities. Your “friend” might be something more. Something better?

3. Let your imagination run.

So let’s say you meet a nice guy and he tells you he’s a postal worker. Not exciting, but not bad. Could be tempting to just deposit him into that friendship category. So do an experiment. While you are talking with him, let your imagination wander. Would you have different feelings about this guy if he was a writer? A CEO? What if he were a massage therapist? I’m not saying to try to make him a different person. Just try to see him as more than his postal worker label. If you can see him as something different such as a CEO or a sports caster, mention it to him. See how he responds. Does he like the idea? Maybe he’ll tell you he’s going to night school so he can become a computer technician. Maybe he’ll open up and give you his dream of being a veterinarian. Now your starting to see him as something more… and so is he.

That’s the key. Being open to seeing what’s really there. Being more authentic with ourselves and the men that we meet. We often forget that there is a whole person under there. Maybe the guy he is today is not the guy he wants to be. Maybe he has other facets that you don’t know about because you’ve already decided who he is.

And wouldn’t you just hate it if another woman uncovered that diamond in the rough when you had already passed it by?