The recession’s been tough, but oddly enough, people are dating more than ever. This begs the question: how does one date when he/she is jobless, poor, and generally feeling kind of loserish? After all, you’re supposed to put your best foot forward, but if the foot is gnarled and nasty because you can’t afford a pedicure, chances are you won’t get very far. It’s a Catch 22 – you want the person to like you for who you are, but right now you are George Kastanza; meanwhile you still want to meet someone, get laid to release your stress, and maybe start something that might resemble a relationship. The needle is tricky to thread, but here’s how you do it:
1. Pretend you have a job in the beginning – until you think you’re going to move forward with this person, there’s no reason you should expose the very personal fact that you have no dough and/or job. Dress like you just came from work, bring a laptop bag and gym bag. If they ask about your job, talk vaguely about typical office minutia.
Handy phrases:
“The guy in the cubical next to me slurps his cereal in the morning and it’s SO annoying!”
“All I want for lunch is a Reuben, and there’s no place around the office that has them – if you can believe it.”
“I’m so over this week!”
2. Soul searching - if and when you reveal your jobless state of being, pretend it’s your decision – you’re taking time to figure out priorities, and your next big move.
Handy phrases:
“I don’t want to take a job just to take it.”
“My life coach said I shouldn’t even be looking for a job right now.”
3. Try and make them pay - this is easy if you’re a woman, as men (usually) still pay. But what if you’re a (broke) guy? You need that five bucks to buy a foot-long sub from Subway ($4.99) Here’s the trick – if you like her, pretend you have no cash on you. Then, pull out the card slowly, like it’s getting caught on something in your wallet; this makes it appear burdensome and heavy with debt, eliciting empathy from your date who will gladly buy your drinks.
Handy phrases:
“I got you next time.”
“There’s not enough ATMs in this city!”
“Does this place even take cards?”
4. Make them food and generally cater to their every need - so you find yourself in a relationship with someone who has a job, and is pretty much sponsoring your sorry ass through this rough patch. It will be tempting to fall into Fritz the Cat mode (hanging out at home watching Judge Judy and smoking weed while they work), but you have to pull your weight. Make them dinner, watch what ever crappy TV shows they want to watch, listen attentively to their work stories and complaints. Right now, this is your job, and if you don’t do it you’ll be flat out on the street again.
Handy Phrases:
“Chicken a la king anyone?”
“That’s terrible about your passive aggressive boss and insouciant underlings.”